A Journey Within
Viva Las Vegas! I am completely and utterly saturated by the exact worldly pleasures that my role models have told me about. This is it! I have managed to tick off an experience so high on my bucket list!
But what about now? I am slumped back on an old mattress in a spare room at home, it’s raining here, it’s always raining here. Netflix is providing some thrill, I’m absorbed in the creative arts. I’ve got my iPad for that. My phone is here too. I've got my friends messaging me. The midweek champions league game is on the big screen. That should be enough to get me through tonight, before work in the morning.
Carrying out my same old mundane routine, there are some little pockets of ecstasy amongst it, a lot of anxiety too but I can ignore that. I felt so high and now I feel so low. I think I have the mental strength to overcome this though.
That anxiety has developed and it seems to be reaching depths that I am not familiar with. It's causing a pain in the pit of my stomach and I can feel it in my heart too. I think anxiety is about mental health and that’s something I can handle. I know myself very well. I keep my body in good shape and that keeps my brain healthy too.
I should just hold my hands up and admit I am losing control. I just don’t feel normal. The anxiety is blending in a cocktail of depression, stress and anger. I can hardly differentiate between my emotions anymore and it feels like my thoughts are overcoming me.
Image BLU. Golden Handcuffs. Spray Paint.
I have reached out to my role models once more and they have changed their path. Before it was material pursuits now they are steadfast in their devotional worship. I have sought their guidance and I have been told to look inside.
They have said to close my eyes and have shared with me a mantra. I have been told to chant it loud, drop my inhibition and keep the full focus of my mind in my voice.
They seem to be at peace and I want it too. I have asked them to give me a clear, direct and simple explanation about their journey. I’m too tired of the over consumption. They have said they have attached themselves to an internal sound that brings them more peace than I could ever imagine. They said it was revealed after chanting a mantra out loud. I asked them about regrets. They say it will just weigh us down. I asked about my excessive thoughts. They said to kill them now!
The desire to travel, acquire possessions and money have hindered rather than helped me. I have made enough observations and accumulated enough of my own life experience now to know that peace cannot be found through materialistic pursuits.
Nothing can mimic the feeling of bliss I am yearning for. I know I have the potential to experience much more than this. The trouble is I just don’t have a teacher or a guide.
Image by Dominic-Petru Virtosu. Roller Coaster. 2021. Oil Painting.